...Left with no one, in my life, i'm so alone.

That's my favorite Mudvayne song for a reason. It's me in a nutshell.

I hate the fact that I put all my trust in 2 people. I hate the fact that now I only trust one of them. I know I can't tell him, the one I trust, half the stuff I would tell her if I thought she even cared anymore. I wish I had someone to talk to. I really do. Usually I don't care if I have anyone or not but lately I've just been getting more and more down easier and easier. Maybe if people would stop being jerks I would be better. Even when they know how you feel they're still jerks.

Opening up is overrated.

i've been to the mall every single day this week starting wednesday. i hate the mall! the only reason i would be there this many consecutive days in a row is if i worked there.... WHICH I DON'T!!!

plus i have some sort of social anxiety disorder... and going there late on saturday night DID NOT help at all.

i hate the mall.

He gave me his password... the same password for everything.... BIIIIIIIG mistake...

hehe... i did something i shouldn't have done.... but oh well. there is no proof. it makes me giggle.

MY BUDDY ICON ON AIM IS TRENT REZNOR!!! that makes me happy. i love that guy. He's the "dirty, scary rocker" of 1994. Do i care? Yes. It makes him more attractive to me... i love "scary" guys.

So we got shit worked out. It's good for now. I still get paranoid every now and again. Like.... every day. But it's pretty much dumb stuff that I shouldn't even think about. Ah well. Things will be easier when we live together. It's frustrating to have to wait, but i can do it. and i will. i'm too stubborn not to.

This entry is pointless.... except that something creepy happened.... then again i always think it's creepy when strangers stare at me and smile and wave....

the doorbell rang. I thought my dad had gone to the store and I didn't know if anyone was going to answer it... so i went into the living room... and my dad had answered it and there were jesus freaks at the door. They handed my dad a pamphlet. one of them was talking to my dad.... and the other one was staring at me... creepily. like the kind of smile you smile when you're imagining someone naked. and he started smiling a little. and then he gave me a little wave, and i'm really creeped out by this why? because for one thing, jesus people are already scary. for another thing... i'm a freak. Weird makeup, piercings, everything. Uh yeah... I don't know. Strange...

Burn on me. I feel like shit. Quinn....... it's a long story that i posted on xanga. all in all it consists of a note i found in quinn's room. it goes: girl: so what are you waiting for :Quinn: i dont know.... i still have a GF :girl: well i'm sure she loves you... you love her... but i can't make the decision 4 you.

i didn't find a first part to that note but i'm thinking... really now.... there's only one thing that could have come before "so what are you waiting for." is it "i only like her as a friend" "so what are you waiting for" etc, or is it more like "i DO really like her" "so what are you waiting for", etc. yeah. i'm thinking the second choice. he also wrote this other girl (not the one from the note... she's the one who was trying to get them together) a "very touching" letter. he says he only writes letters to people who are special to him. and he apparently told this other girl he really loved her. because she wrote back saying "i really love you too!" i probably shouldn't have found the letters, and even more i probably shouldn't have read them, but i'm not sorry i did. i'd rather know. i feel like i have a right to know. and if that means a little bit of pain to finally know what's been going on then i'm fine with it. i'll get over it. and he feels bad which means he feels like he's done something wrong. and if he feels like he did then he must have. so i'm glad i found out. this was a couple of months ago, all of this him wanting to see other girls business, but i only found out yesterday. i'm kind of angry at that too... i feel like i should have been told earlier. before i had to piece it together for myself. BUT I'M GLAD I KNOW. i'm better off knowing, i think.

what kind of girl does that to another girl. guys are fucked up as they are; ladies, they do not need our help!! whether his other interest knew about me or not, i can't say. most likely she did. i know that his friend did though. since she writes "i'm sure she loves you, you love her". elanjfaslfn laskfldksafnasldfnlas nfalkdnfaklnf1!!!!! fuck that. i'm pissed off. it's fucking infuriating to think that either 1) that other girl KNEW he was taken and still did this to me or 2) he didn't even fucking tell her. if i ever met either of those girls.... i dont know. i don't think i'd want to fight them, unless they did something more to piss me off. i'd just have to tell them, you know what bitches, girls don't do that to each other. regardless of if you know me or not. quinn and i weren't having relationship problems until you two decided you wanted to destroy someone else's life.

i'm glad he chose me over her. i still think he shouldn't have had to choose at all, if he really wasn't interested in this other girl he wouldn't have had a decision to make, but i can't do anything about that. it hurts like hell. people shouldn't have to experience this. giving myself entirely to him (and only him) and still not being enough........... if he had dumped me i would have fucking killed them both.

i'm bitter. i always told him he would do something like this... he always told me he wouldn't... and stupidly i believed him.

it leaves me with a weird feeling too.... because a couple of weeks ago i had a very upsetting dream that another girl was interested in quinn and he really liked her back. and in the dream he said "this girl likes me" which is what he said to me in real life. he left out the part about him liking her in both instances. so he hung out with me and her, and her friend came along i guess to keep me distracted so they could have fun without worrying about the girlfriend, the nag who wants him all to herself. so basically the similarities are that 2 girls are trying to get quinn with someone else, completely dismissive of my feelings altogether..... which is FUCKED up. stupid fucking dreams........... fucking dreams.

I'm manipulative. I really am.... and it's fucked up. But I can't help it. Half the time I don't realize I'm manipulating people. It's only afterward, when I think it over, I realize I'm a huge bitch. You know what's really terrible? The other half of the time I know I'm doing it. Because I'm doing it on purpose.

Yeahyeah. I know. It's like an addiction. I can't seem to be motivated by other things other than getting people to do EXACTLY what I want them to do without them knowing it.

yeahyeah. maybe i'm not such a terrible person... i sure hope not.

well... it's my first entry. shut up, i'll do you in. or maybe i'll just do you, if you're lucky *wink.* *joke* i have a problem with observing things... i tend to see everything that's going on around me. it's pretty annoying. sometimes i wish i could just be normal... but then what fun would that be? hahaha. i like to mess with the "normals." it's a great time. anyway. the first entry is always so lame. this is my lame first entry. enjoy.